Lisa and I attended a Real Marriage conference the past two days. Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace brought the message that Real Marriage is fun. As I have shared in earlier posts, God has done a wonderful work in our marriage over the past 2+ months and the catalyst for all of this was Lisa’s broken leg. Our marriage has gone from OK (which means it’s a relatively successful business partnership with occasional periods of zing) to amazing in this brief a time span because we have begun practicing the majority of what Grace and Mark talked about… and we had not read the book yet. As I listened to Mark speak I realized that for many people learning about the 4 big ideas will revolutionize their marriage. For Lisa and I it drilled home truths that we knew as head knowledge, but we had not made heart knowledge that we acted upon consistently. Lisa’s leg break has caused us to act from the heart much more than from the head. I think God graciously timed this conference so we could establish these principles in our marriage from henceforth.
One more point before I dive into today’s post. During the conference there was a brief demonstration of Logos Bible Software. It looks like a great tool for really digging into the Word of God. They picked out this verse from John 4. 23 But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. 24 God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” Obviously the words from the original text often have other subtle shifts in meaning. The word for truth carries with it the sense of nothing hidden or transparent.
As I awoke this morning I realized that for most of my life I have worked hard to control how I (or my family) are viewed by others. Since becoming a Christian I have worked to be a believer who looks right, talks right, and lives right. I believe I have missed the mark at times though because I tried to put on faith in the way of my choosing and not allow God to create that faith within me. Ephesians makes it clear that faith is a gift from God 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Often I am more concerned with what others think that simply doing what pleases God. The motivation was wrong.
The first “big idea” Mark and Grace introduced was that spouses must be best friends. They gave a picture of three types of relationships. Back-to-back which represents an unhealthy, adversarial relationship. Shoulder-to-shoulder which represents that working together to accomplish a set of goals much like a business partnership. And the third which is Face-to-face. Face-to-face is the pattern God has for friendship and particularly for marriage. We have lived in the shoulder-to-shoulder marriage for most of our almost 27 years. It is not that I didn’t love my wife and express my commitment to her often. But I did not look her in the eye and show her the love, respect, and admiration that she needed and I, as the husband of a wonderful woman, should provide.
The second big idea was that marriages need regular trash removal and clean up to be healthy and whole. Marriages are unions of two sinners in need of repentance and forgiveness. We were given examples of how to “fight” in a way that ushers in healing and growth and not ever-increasing pain and isolation. I am sure I will speak on this more in other posts.
The third bid idea was that sex is a gift God has given within the context of marriage to be enjoyed. This contrasts against the unholy view the world has that places sex as a god and the equally invalid view of sex as gross. The later view unfortunately is all too common within church circles. Again this is a topic for another time.
The last topic asked the question “Are you a selfish lover or a servant lover?” Like so many questions of this nature, I know what the answer is supposed to be. I mean I am in church so it has to be servant lover – right? This is another time when the word truth and the subtle meaning of nothing hidden whacks me right between the eyes… I am still a selfish person so much of the time. While I hate to have to admit that, it is true. Lord help me to abandon my selfish ways, thoughts, words, and actions.
When Lisa and I first married, we immediately plunged into life at a fairly breakneck pace. Rhiannon was just a little shy of 2 years old when we got married so we were already a family. Lisa continued working for a brief period and then she stopped working so she could go to college full-time. Before long the next child and then the next arrived. Soon the Momma to do list was always longer than the what-Momma-accomplished list.
We honestly did not disagree or fight much at all. Today I recognize that this may not have been the best thing because it allowed small issues to be stuffed away rather than dealt with and resolved. Undercurrents of dissatisfaction began growing and this began to manifest itself in less intimacy. I can so relate to the shoulder to shoulder kind of relationship because the relatively small amount of face-to-face we had experienced was now replaced with almost exclusively shoulder to shoulder. Things which should have been brought out into the open and discussed were left to fester. Sadly, but in being totally honest, the back-to-back which had never been a part of our marriage, began to show up. Mark mentioned that a sure sign of an unhealthy friendship within the marriage was going to sleep back-to-back. Well this had become us.
My heavy travel schedule (read busy and not at home much) and Lisa’s successful (read busy and not engaged at home much) allowed only a few opportunities to really talk about and deal with the dissatisfaction and frustration we were both feeling.
Now I have to step back just a moment in time to give you a little more background in what was going on inside of me. I recognized that the dissatisfaction was not healthy. I had prayed for some time for God to heal our marriage. Now while I was open to the fact that we both probably needed to change I know my hope and intent was for God to fix Lisa. And I thank God that He is faithful and doesn’t just leave us to our own devices. During this period He consistently spoke to me exactly what was needed. “Dan, love Lisa like I love the church.” I could not get anything else… because I was not doing this. Don’t misunderstand, I resolved every time to love Lisa better. Reading the rest of Ephesians 5 where Paul writes about this, I knew that meant I had to die for her. But I couldn’t. I didn’t.
Rhiannon, our oldest daughter, recently shared how her Mom’s broken leg changed her life. Well that is my story too. My love for Lisa has come out of this as more real and tangible. I recognize a difference and my beloved does as well. A lot of selfishness has been blown away. (I look forward to the day when ALL of it is gone, but until then I am walking by faith.) It’s really funny, before Lisa broke her leg I would get frustrated that I had to come home from 3 or 4 days away and I had to do a “lot” of household chores. Today I am doing at least 4 times that and not only am I not frustrated, I am happy to be a help to Lisa. It is amazing.
On Lisa’s side a transformation is taking place as well. Mark mentioned that husbands are unrealistic if they expect their wives to look at 50 what they looked like at 25. After 4 children and a sweet tooth that she often satisfied, Lisa did not look like she had at 25 and I was unrealistic. Since she broke her leg she has lost 40 pounds… and she still is not able to walk or put weight on her leg. And she has done this in a healthy manner. I know because I fix most of her meals at her direction. I am excitedly looking forward to the day when Lisa’s leg has healed and we can hike together. I want to hike in the mountains finding scenic waterfalls hidden among the rhododendron together.
It is my hope and prayer that someone out there can benefit from our story. While I wish Lisa didn’t have to endure the pain of a broken leg, I am so thankful that God has moved through this difficult time to bring so much good. And Lisa feels the same. Our laughter and joy has simply exploded the past two months. And we can only give God all the credit. He has done marvelously, miraculously more than we could ever ask or imagine. To Him be the glory, honor, praise and dominion forever and ever. Amen!
PS. I strongly recommend Mark and Grace Driscoll’s book: Real Marriage – The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together.
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